


The Boy Who Choose To Die

by Flumet



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Character Death, Depressed Harry, Depression, Gen, One Shot, Short One Shot, Suicidal Harry, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-12-14 09:03:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21013220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flumet/pseuds/Flumet
Summary: What if Harry just couldn't take everything after Sirius death? What if he gave up?A fanfiction about Harry committing suicide at the end of year five (and his thoughts before he ends it)5th year AU ending (or AU ending of the last chapter in OotP)One-Shot





	The Boy Who Choose To Die

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, please leave nice comments and kudos!
> 
> This is a one-shot
> 
> Read at own risk and please don't commit suicide, it's not the answer
> 
> I don't own the characters or things from the Harry Potter books/world

Harry sat on board the Hogwarts express with his friends on their way back to London.

Harry still had a really hard time accepting that Sirius was not coming back. He had been hoping for a solution.

At first, the mirror had given him a small glimpse of hope. But that was crushed among with the mirror.

Then was the talk with Nick. But he couldn't even see Sirius as a ghost. He knew he didn't really wish that fate on Sirius, but he just felt so lost. He would give anything to be able to just say goodbye.

After the talk with Nick, he knew Sirius wouldn't come back. It felt like he had lost Sirius all over again.

He had run into Luna too. He learned about her mother. But one thing she had said caught his attention. She said that it was not as though she'll never see her mom again. Harry had always thought he would meet his parents when he died. But now he saw it anew. Luna had also said it wasn't so bad because she had her dad.

But Harry only had Sirius, and now he didn't.

Sure he had other people...

He had Remus, but he must hate Harry at least as much as Harry hated himself. He was after all the reason for his best friends death.

Harry also had Ron and Hermione, but wouldn't they be better off without him? Safer? The last few years they had been injured or in danger a lot, because of Harry.

He had the Weasley family, but they did not necessarily need him. He needed them, but they had each other. And they too would be safer without close ties to Harry.

Dumbledore had ignored him most of the year, and even if Harry knew why now, how much did he care? He said that he cared too much, but Harry had a hard time seeing it. Except maybe when it came to the whole kill Voldemort thing.

Because that's what it was all about in the end. Kill or get killed.

  
Harry didn't want, didn't need, more blood on his hands. It was enough with his parents, Cedric and now… Sirius. Hell, even Quirrell's death was partly his fault. And who said that nobody else could kill Voldemort? “_Neither can live while the other survives..._” but what if Harry died? Who said that someone else couldn't kill Voldemort?

It might even have been the case that Harry NEEDED to die so that someone else could kill Voldemort.

The prophecy said that Harry was “_The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord..._” but how could Harry have that power? He was mediocre at best.

Wouldn't it be the best for everyone if he just… disappeared?

He would be with his parents and Sirius. Those he left behind would understand that it was for the best. Even if they were sad, witch Harry right now had a hard time seeing, they would eventually get over it.

The more Harry thought about it, the more it made sense. But could the solution be that...simple? That, if he died, everything would resolve eventually?

Maybe not, but could it get much worse than it already was?

  


Harry shook himself from his thoughts when Hermione started reading aloud from another article in _The Prophet_. He remembered where he was. 

Where he was going. 

Back to Privet Drive.

Back to the Dursleys.

Back to the people who hated him. He would be alone and isolated for another summer. And right after he had lost Sirius too.

So if they thought it was a good idea to just send him back and forget about him, how much could they care?

The wizarding world was so unpredictable. One second he was praised. The next he was alone, crazy and a liar. Then he was the brave 'boy who lived' again. Why couldn't people believe him? Why couldn't he be normal? Why couldn't he just be Harry? Why was he so alone?

He sighed and looked out of the window. The train had slowed down as they approached King's Cross. Maybe he could leave this world already during the summer? It wasn't like his relatives would care. Or wait, yes, they would probably care if he bleeds down their floors and complain about the mess he would leave behind. But they would not miss him.

  


He got off the train and followed Ron and Hermione through the magical barrier between platform nine and ten. On the other side, he was surprised by a whole crowd of people.

Harry just stared at the people for a while. There stood Moody, Tonks, Lupin, Mr and Mrs Weasley, and the Weasley twins.

Mrs Weasley hugged Ron and Ginny. She also hugged Harry and asked how he was feeling. Of course, he lied and said he was fine. He could not tell them that he had thoughts of suicide.

Suicidal. Because that's what he was wasn't it?

He hadn't thought of the word suicide in his inner arguments. He was only thinking a way out. But surprisingly the word didn't scare him. He thought it would scare him. But it felt more like a small part of the weight on his shoulders lifted.

Suicide.

To die.

To die from his own choice.

Choosing to die.

To be free.

  


“Hey Harry”, Remus said.

Harry felt the little weight that had lifted crashing down on him again. How could he look Remus in the eyes after causing Sirius death? What if Remus hated him?

Harry heard himself ask what they were all doing there. When he got the answer, his blood froze. They wanted to talk to his relatives. His relatives would most likely not like that.

"I don't know if that's a good idea," Harry said immediately.

But Harry's protest was just brushed away. Moody pointed towards the Dursley family. When Harry saw their facial expressions, he began to feel unwell. They did not look happy at Harry's little reception committee.

When the adults started walking towards the Dursleys it all got too much for Harry. He didn't want them talking to the Dursleys. He didn't want the Dursleys to have more reasons to shout at him later for.

Harry looked desperately around the platform. He realized that he had unconsciously backed up towards the edge of the platform. He was only a couple of small steps from the tracks, and a train was coming in. It wasn't the way he had planned it.

But if not now, then when?

He would rather have done it in his solitude. Maybe while he was looking at his photo album one last time. He would rather have done it without everyone he cared about looking.

But at the same time, everything was just too much. And with just a few steps everything could be over. He would see his parents. He could see Sirius. And the world would be rid of him. He was scared of leaving.

But to stay terrified him.

So...

He took a step back.

Then another.

He jumped.

He heard screams and the train hit the break. But there was no chance of it slowing down in time.

He did not feel as the train slammed into his side.

Everything just turned…

**Black.**


End file.
